Vol II: Paris Hilton's My New BFF

It's 9:45 PM. MTV producers have spent all of ten minutes racking their brains to try to create an original reality television series to showcase Paris Hilton. At a standstill, the production team calls an emergency meeting.
Producer 1: Do we have any ideas?
Producer 2: How about this: we get her and her boyfriend drunk, set them up in a hotel room with a night vision camera and...
Producer 1: No damn it! It's already been done! We need something fresh, something new, something that will really knock the socks off of this nation's thirteen-year-old girls.
Producer 3: Well, we could set her up with a lineup of fame hungry beautiful people. Then we have them lock horns in a series of challenges, all the while they compete for her affection to avoid being eliminated and the last one standing wins.
Producer 1: Good lord... that... is... brilliant! I'm almost positive nothing like this has been done before! I want it cast, shot, packaged and aired in two weeks. Gentlemen, it looks like MTV has done it again!

At least that's how I think the idea for this show must have come about, I mean how else could anyone seriously try to pass this off as original entertainment?

The show is called "Paris Hilton's My New BFF." For those of you that don't know what BFF stands for, it means best friends forever. So basically Paris is looking for a new person to be her best friend forever, implying that she has had previous best friends forever. So exactly how many best friends does Paris Hilton have? Considering MTV's website suggests she has had eight previous BFFs, I get the impression that Paris Hilton doesn't really know what the word forever means. Which would make sense seeing as I'm almost positive her excessive use of acronyms is used to mask her inability to read or write.

"Sound it out Paris."

If you weren't already aware that Paris Hilton is a self-absorbed, elitist moron then you're probably an idiot. But for those of us who have stepped outside the country for the past couple years, Paris Hilton is a ultra-wealthy airess who has been making average Americans feel smarter ever since she first stumbled and sucked (in nightvision!) her way into the spotlight.

Perhaps the greatest part of this show is that every single contenstant is a stereotype. Not only that, but most of them can be described in one or two words. We have:

Lauren: Southern Belle.
Fransisca: Latina girl. (there's always one.)
Trisha: Small town girl.
Sinsu: Asian girl. (One more for the diversity counter.)
Zui: Badass girl.

She says to the camera in her first interview: "I wanna do some crazy (CENSORED!). I don't take things too seriously. I'm sure a lot of the other girls are gonna be all uptight and (CENSORED!) though." I wish I was making this up. Plus, she has TATS! OMG LOL!!



Shelly: Moral girl.
Orch: Tranny.
Yes. That is a dude on the left. Proceed to be deeply disturbed.








Natasha: Bronx girl.
Kayley: Wild girl.
Kiki: Daddy's girl.
Shelley: Slutty girl.
Baje: Black girl. (The last of the minorities.)
Athena: Sorority Girl.
Corrie: Bitchy girl.
Vanessa: Business girl.
Erin: Annoying girl.
Bryan: Gay dude.
Brittany: Slow girl.

Playing the role of Paris Hilton's arm candy is Benji Madden, also known as the other guy from Good Charlotte. I almost feel bad for the guy as I watch him sit there and watch Paris pretend she's important and prove again and again that her passing the 5th grade was a fluke. Not only that, but he doesn't gets a word in. I'm not sure if this is because everything he says is edited out or if he is the victim of domestic abuse.

Benji: I think she...
Paris: Shut up bitch!
Benji: Sorry honey.

One redeeming fact is that almost every woman in the show is drop dead gorgeous. Unfortunately for Paris, most of the girls are more attractive than she is. This show is about as original as store brand cereal, it's a regurgitated version of The Bachelor and somehow is less interesting. For managing to convince a generation of young girls to idolize Paris Hilton, this show gets a 2 stupid spoiled whores out of 10.

Vol I: Parental Control

Where to get started?
I'm not sure what it is about this show that vexes me so much, wait, yes I do. I hate the fact that the entire concept of the show is completely ridiculous.

The idea of the show is pretty simple. MTV finds an attractive couple who just happens to have one set of parents who isn't exactly keen on the reltionship. So MTV gives the parents a brothel-style lineup of potential dates and both parents are permitted to choose one date for their son/daughter. The son/daughter then goes on a date with the parents' choices, one after the other. All the while the significant other is made to watch this live, with the parents. At the end the son/daughter is forced to make a decision between the person they have been dating or someone they have known for about two hours.

So, my girlfriend wants to see other guys, I have to watch it live, and I get to watch it with her parents, who conviniently hate me? Where do I sign up?

"I think we need to see other people. Well, I do, and you have to watch."

Now that the ridiculous premise of the show has been established, the audience just has to sit back and wonder exactly how dumb MTV thinks we are? Judging by this show, they must think their viewers have as many intelligent thoughts as a comatose patient.

I'm not sure what to make of this show. Every time I fear we are finally scraping the bottom of the barrel for reality show ideas, MTV goes and outdoes itself. Are these real families? Doubt it. Are they actors? Probably.

Watching these poor people flounder about on camera is so embarrassing that they may well be real families with no acting experience or talent. It's painfully obvious while watching these couples go out on "dates" that what little chemistry exists between them is scripted.

"Hey, if we get them on some ridiculous date then they don't have to ruin it by opening their mouths!"

The dates, which generally consist of some pointless activity which will generally lead to clothes being removed at some point, whether it makes sense or not (hello strip baseball) are clearly meant to be an accurate representation of contemporary American society. I mean, who doesn't take a girl body painting for a first date? A sucker, that's who.

"Well, I tried to model my painting after Picasso's 'Buste du femme au chapeau bleu,' but mostly I just painted your boobs."

The parents are classic. The show is built around the parents' hatred for the son/daughter's boy/girlfriend. This is cemented by the out of control and insanely non-conformist attitude of the boy/girlfriend who acts inappropriately, says swears and ignores all the rules! O M G!!

Well, don't worry the parents get their revenge as they sift through a mound of failed Hollywood starlets to find the perfect lay for their little sweetums.

"Pimpin' ain't easy."

These potential dates do just about anything to catch the eye of the parents (producers) and get chosen to receive more camera time on a date with their pathetic offspring.

The banter between the parents and the boy/girlfriend while they are watching the dates "live" is almost exactly the same in every episode. It goes something like this:
After son/daughter is convinced into removing clothing...
Mom: You better be getting nervous it looks like they're having a good time!

Boy/girlfriend: I'm not worried, he'd never cheat on me!
After son/daughter makes out with date...
Mom: I told you! You better get packing!
Boy/girlfriend: Shut the (CENSORED!) up!
Dad: Oooh, no she didn't!

The parents and boy/girlfriend obviously aren't seeing these dates live and are reading their witty banter off a teleprompter. If the writers for this show had any respect at all for their audience they would at least have the decency to shake things up every once in awhile.

Whoever writes this show is lazy, but not stupid. Though Parental Control is scripted, predictable and pointless it still manages to be a popular and profitable show. As a result, I give Parental Control: 3.5 Parents Pimping Their Children out of 10.

"What do you mean MTV's not giving me my own show after this!? Was my collar not popped enough?"